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| 09:25am 06/08/2009 |
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Just because I never post anymore.
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to People: (Some of these I may have actually said but they need reinforcing)
1. I hate that you disappeared from so many lives because of one stupid, self-destructive girl.
2. If I did it all again, I'm not sure I'd change anything.
3. It breaks my heart that you look so very, very old.
4. I know people say that you shouldn't run away from your problems but you should run. As fast as you can. In any direction but the one you're facing.
5. You are so very, very self-centered that it's amazing you don't fall down more.
6. I hate that you're such a bad person but you always seem to win.
7. I hate who you pretend to be, but being honest? I think I'd hate who you actually are just as much.
8. The problem with all your attention-grabbing is that when people look, they see more than you want them to.
9. Some people I won't walk 5 minutes down the road for. You, I'd walk across the world for 5 minutes in your company.
10. You know that thing you think you are amazing at? You really, really really really really REALLY suck at it.
Nine things about myself.
1. I'm incredibly selfish.
2. My favourite things to do indoors are reading, writing and drawing.
3. My favourite things to do outdoors are climbing, running and swimming.
4. I love taking photographs.
5. I don't like most people.
6. I will never be satisfied with my looks. Mainly cos I will always look like me.
7. I pretend to be gullible to see what people will try and get away with.
8. I need things to be busy, both time and place.
9. I hate things which are plain.
Eight ways to win my heart.
1. Make me laugh.
2. Give me yours first.
3. Be interesting.
4. Be enthusiastic. Doesn't matter what about.
5. Be honest and don't put on an act.
6. Don't try and hide your faults, but sure as hell don't boast about them.
7. Convince me you want ME, and not just that you want SOMEONE and I fit the bill.
8. Have something important in common with me.
Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
1. I'm running out of time.
2. I really should do that now.
3. I wonder if you are ok/thinking about me.
4. Oh crap, that really hurts.
5. I need some new music.
6. I'd better write that down before I forget it.
7. I wonder what Glen wants for dinner.
Six things I do before I fall asleep
1. Cuddle my boy.
2. Run through everything I should be doing before I sleep.
3. Turn off lights, tv etc.
4. Daydream.
5. Try and stop myself thinking about everything I need to do tomorrow.
6. Turn over about fifty times trying to get comfy.
Five places I want to visit.
1. Cambodia
2. Peru
3. Prague
4. Austria
5. My head is screaming at me 'the toilet' but I'm going to go with Italy.
Four things I'm wearing right now.
1. Jeans
2. Vest top
3. Hiking sandals
4. Bandana
Three music groups that I listen to often.
1. Tim Minchin (It's not cheating. I love him.)
2. Reel Big Fish
3. Barenaked Ladies
Two things I want to do before I die.
1. I hate this question. It's ridiculous. I want to live a decent life and collapse exhausted but happy at the end of it.
2.
One confession.
1. I don't regret it. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 04:48am 05/03/2009 |
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Isn't it odd how time and time again we fall for beautiful lies.
We can see they are lies, despite how they dress themselves in soft clothing and stroke our hair long into the night. We lie awake with them, playing with them and plaiting them into our lives like a colourful braid we can't stop fiddling with, even though we know it will unravel if we don't stop.
Now who can say why we don't just walk away? We know that when we rub the shine from them, they will be grey and worthless. We will look at them and remember what they used to be and our hearts will break time and time again, but we will look for new lies to heal ourselves with rather than just embracing the plain and obvious truth.
Some people have their own agenda. They don't see people as people, but as bridges or doorways to things that they want. Sometimes it is a simple thing, like quick gratification or a certain ease of life. These people we know, we interact with every day and most of the time we recognise them for what they are. We can smile and step back as we wave them past, smug in the knowledge that they have not fooled us for one moment.
Sometimes though, we see these people and they refuse to walk past. They stop and talk. These are the ones who don't want us to be pieces in their game, but players, and this is where the lies start. Because once more we know, we KNOW they don't want what they say they want. We know that the words sound tired because they are being said to so many other people at once, or have been over-used during a period of time. We know they are insincere but we grasp them and take them up and carry them with us. We roll the dice and start moving in circles round a familiar board, despite having no rules and with no knowledge of our objective. We are not told how to win because there is no win, not for us.
There is only the game. |
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| 08:53pm 25/02/2009 |
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I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED AND WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP NOW.
I BLOODY WELL HATE OFSTED. |
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| 08:28am 07/02/2009 |
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Take this feeling and hold it up to the light.
The density is too great to see at close quarters, and it needs to be diffused so I can pick out the individual strands.
I am looking for one colour in particular - the one that is making my heart ache. The one that is keeping me up at night and sending me beaten to the shelf where the wine is laughing at me.
I am tired, too tired to even consider what I want. What I need. That's a lie. I know what I want, and I need clarity to see my way to get there.
Two different conversations.
'I love you. I'm in love with you. I want to steal you away and make you happy.' These words tumble in my head, accompanied by shiny wet roads glimmering in the sparkling street light, as the world splashes past in the dark and I feel like a thief for stealing this time that shouldn't be mine.
'I love you so much. I know what I want, all I want, and it's you'. Broken words, choked out, beating at me like heavy sticks because I love him too but I don't know that this is enough anymore.
I don't know what is making me miserable; the concept of losing one or keeping the other. Maybe both. Maybe neither, and I just need to get away from everything and be me for a while. I am having trouble remembering who me is, but I keep getting flashes when I run as fast as I can, knowing no one is trying to keep up with me and not caring that I am running alone.
In imagery, then, there is a big mountain. A lot of mountains. Lakes, forests, skies so high the thought of reaching them makes you giddy and giggly. Canyons, deserts, creeks, streams, wild horses and mountain lions. Greens and reds and browns and yellows and blues in every shade. Twigs that snap and break underfoot when you run, grass that feels soft and spongy under your bare feet, rocks so rough and hard that when your fingers grasp them you wonder why nothing else has ever felt this solid and real to you before.
A perfect sun is shining down and warming everything around you, bathing your skin in what feels like pure happiness.
All of this is right there, in front of you. But you, you are in a little cabin hidden in the only patch of shadow around. The cabin is all familiar, despite being worn out and slightly falling apart. But you are not even free to roam the cabin. You are curled in a little ball, with your knees tucked under your chin and your arms crossing your ankles, tightly bound so you can't move. You still have all your functions - you see, feel, speak, watch, but you can't move. You are trapped.
You live with the one who has imprisoned you like this, and who doesn't even realise why you don't move anymore - can he not see the ropes and bonds holding you? He loves you so much that he is blind to everything except the fact that you are here with him, and that is as it should be. He does not want to leave because you are here. He does not want anything more than just you, forever, and this in itself makes your ropes pull tighter, makes your lungs choke closed. There can't be just this. This can't be all, this tightly huddled ball of silently screaming bloody fury.
That stopped being imagery, huh.
My family is moving to Dubai. Mum, Dad, Alice, Alex, Oli.
Mum said 'Make sure you look after Sam.' My first thought was 'but who's going to look after me?' Then I laughed, inside and out. Eight years old flashed up at me, and my first realisation that I was very much looking out for myself. I checked for the scar, and it is still very much there.
I had more. I can't write it. I'm losing it. I haven't felt this messed up in about 6 years. so I still got another one to go before it resolves. Cycles of seven, that's right isn't it? Every seven years you take on a new skin and turn into a different person. I remember choosing at fourteen, which way I was gonna go. I think that was the first real time I messed up, made an important choice when I was too drunk to think straight and boom, here's the next section of life all laid out for you.
Keep to the carpet, don't go stepping over the edge. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 06:08pm 18/01/2009 |
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I had a really great weekend.
Partly for good reasons, partly for bad.
Whatever, I really enjoyed myself. |
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| 04:28pm 23/12/2008 |
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Once again, I like my books more than I like people. When I'm not bolting around on errands or going to the gym, I am curled up with a book.
Just bought my 3rd copy of House of Leaves, and I won't be lending this one out.
Fully intend to spend tonight writing a ghost story, in tradition for Christmas. Not sure what it's going to be about yet, but I think it's going to be brutal.
My sister is coming to stay tomorrow night, and we will be getting ratted and passing out on the floor. Most of the other people I was meant to see recently have bailed on me or been too busy for me. I guess I'm just not cool enough anymore. Nevermind, holidays will be over soon then I won't have time to feel bad about it.
On the plus side, I quite love driving which is lucky cos everyone is calling me for lifts and errands now. Although when it hits two in the morning and I can't sleep, the temptation to get in the car and just drive is almost overwhelming. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| 06:04pm 12/12/2008 |
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Okay, so here's the thing.
I am busier than I have ever been in my life. I don't have time to eat or sleep properly. I don't get to go out socially. I moved into my new flat, didn't have internet for two weeks, and didn't even get the chance to miss it.
I haven't seen anyone I'm not directly related to or working with in well over a month.
I'm not sure I have ever been more stressed.
I'm also not sure I have ever been happier.
Some days I come home and cry with the burden of work, with the kids giving me hassle, with frustration at a stupid situation that got out of hand.
Those are usually right before the days where I will still be at school at eight o clock the next evening, in tears of laughter over one of the most ridiculous conversations with my department.
I was meant to be hosting an open evening last night - everyone in the department was gathered in a room to greet parents, speak about their child's progress, show examples of the work we have been doing and will be doing. 20 of the kids in years 7-9 were there to speak to people about what they get up to in class.
Parent turnout was low. I decided instead to hide away and try and get some marking done.
I ended up spending two hours learning how to breakdance and watching my favourite little yr 9 parkouring round my room, because 10 of the kids who were meant to be shining examples of the school (who I don't even teach) invaded my classroom to 'chat'. My marking did not get done, but apparently my status as a 'legend' went up a bit. I can't help smiling when my kids are telling their friends they've got the 'best fuckin teacher EVER, mate.'
I am exhausted, but I do love my kids. |
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| 06:24am 26/10/2008 |
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I went to London yesterday in a photography mission.
I got home and read Ben Templesmith is currently in London at a comic event and doing signings.
It is very typical of my luck that I missed this. I am sad. :( |
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| 10:42pm 29/09/2008 |
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I am not dead.
That is about all I have to say for myself right now. |
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| 09:41pm 23/08/2008 |
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So I go away for one week to climb mountains, kayak across lakes and basically rediscover real life outside my crazy head.
And what do you do?
You all get prosey and complicated.
Me? Climb mountains, scale rockface, clamber up mountain gorges and waterfalls, paddle in a tiny boat; make simple like.
You? All of you? Every one. You go crazy and write shit loads and tell stories and just basically, make things hard on yourselves.
I mean really.
You guys are nuts. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| 09:45am 02/08/2008 |
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I spent a few hours with Tommy a couple of nights ago, for the first time in months. We were waxing lyrical about films, people and relationships, and we noticed a few odd little trends that we wondered if everyone experienced. Things along the lines of the type of completely unsuitable people we (in general, as a race) choose to have relationships with, incredible jealousy of emotional bonds (because we know why we create those bonds ourselves) and an extreme childlike habit of being defensive of friends because they're our friends and they should like us best (this may have been just us.)
Like, what makes you fall in love with and spend large parts of your life with someone who you find hard to sustain a conversation of substance with, someone you have nothing in common with (sometimes to the point where their interests and activities are actually adverse to you)someone who betrays the one thing you asked them to please not betray, someone you are constantly making sacrifices for but who rarely makes any back (yet when they claim they do they mention things that you didn't even think of as sacrifices and so now you feel guilty and like you know them even less than you thought). The list goes on and on.
It's good to have these conversations though, they make me feel a little less crazy. Plus Tommy is always good to talk to cos no matter what depths of depression we plumb, we always come up laughing somehow. Usually because of a well-timed gas expulsion or something equally immature. And there's nothing like laughing at your neuroses to make them go away. |
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| 05:35pm 30/07/2008 |
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I've been writing quite a lot recently. Not sure if I like it, it was a continuation of a character I came up with months ago but had no idea what to do with. I ended up putting him into a story he wasn't intended for and I'm not sure if he reacted well to the subject.
Anyhoo, been going to the beach lots. Was meant to be spending time with a friend but am apparently being ignored so it didn't happen. Luckily I have quite a lot planned for this holiday tho so am not feeling too shunned. Plus I have an awesome tan.
Glen and I aren't going abroad now, we are going for an adventure week in the lake district. Up there we can do climbing, abseiling, canyoning, kayaking, and possibly caving but I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that. There are also plenty of mountains to climb up so should be fun.
I am learning to drive, it's quite fun but cars are freaking expensive. I guess it will be more convenient tho, and it will hopefully make me feel less restless - any night I can't sleep I won't be trapped at home. I can just jump in the car and watch the sun rise over Devon a few hours later (at weekends, of course. On school nights I will definitely just be putting a shot of rum in my hot chocolate and picking up a good book.)
Also had a bit of a clear out and dumped some junk, sorted through a pile of paperwork ACTUALLY bigger than myself and am going to turn one of my walls into a Joker tribute. :oD |
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| Dark Knight |
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| 09:53am 27/07/2008 |
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So I went to see Batman last night. I have all my usual complaints about Hollywood movies - too much reliance on special effects, any adrenaline rushes nul and void knowing that the 'exciting' chase scenes were mostly done on a computer, too many and too long in length 'exciting' chase scenes that seemed to be in there solely to be in there and not for any real purpose in furthering the plot. I could go on.
What I can't fault was Heath as the Joker. He was stunning. He seemed to have taken a leaf out of the Johnny Depp/Christopher Walken book of acting, and it was truly beautiful. He fascinated me every second he was on the screen as a creepy, psychotic character genuinely dancing in madness-on-fire. He actually played it as if he saw the world in a shattered reality, and somehow gave the ridiculous an edge of actual danger. Even Jack Nicholson didn't manage that.
My only uncomfortability in portrayal would have been the stories of his scars - I think that character would have genuinely believed every single story he told. He didn't live in a linear reality, so to him everything would have been true and somehow happened to him, but it was played as just a narrative device instead.
It was still all beautiful though. I could honestly just cut out the bits with the Joker in and put them on repeat play for hours. I can actually feel myself getting obsessed. |
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| 02:00pm 21/07/2008 |
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Academic review day. Which means I am meeting the parents of my form next year and discussing their academic targets.
Right now, I feel the need to quote Blackadder in order to describe to you fully the extent of my mental capacity after five and a half hours of this.
"Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage named Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."
I want a sausage. Have been living on bananas and coffee so far today. Going to get horrifically drunk tonight. Yes. |
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| Third person public service announcement. |
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| 07:46am 03/07/2008 |
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Jen is wondering why you have felt the need to lie about staying out alone.
She would not have been even slightly bothered if you had told the truth in the first place, but now wonders exactly WHAT you might have been up to that you are trying to conceal.
She is, needless to say, very angry and currently choking it down. |
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| 05:37am 25/06/2008 |
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Yesterday morning I finished a short story that I know is going to make me sad every time I read it, but I needed to get it out of my head.
For the record, I behaved myself right up to the end, which it turns out wasn't as final as I thought it might be. But I got this far, I'm sure I can hold out now.
My sister is going back to college to study hairdressing, and won't believe me when I tell her she will hate it. It made me think of all those cultures where grown men and women trust their parents to make major decisions for them as they have the experience and apparently know what should make their children happy. I still don't agree with that, but there must be an odd spark of truth in it somewhere. It made me wonder who I would choose to give 'younger me' advice if I could have had someone. I would like there to be a time flux device whereby older me, or 'me now' could go back and say "Trust me on this, don't finish that drink. Why not? You see that guy over there that started the evening off being an obnoxious minger but is now looking like quite a catch? Well..." or "No, there WON'T be time to do that later. Stop being so damn lazy or you'll end up working in a shop till you're 25." And so on. "Step away from the cream cakes, fatty." "You know, maybe you should go to the hospital and get that checked out NOW, rather than in 5 years time?" "Do you seriously think spending a thousand pounds on alcohol in under a month is doing you ANY favours?"
I wonder what me in ten years will want to tell me now? Scary thought. |
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| 10:05am 21/06/2008 |
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I feel like Spider Jerusalem. I sat down at the keyboard prepared to be very verbally angry.
Then I stopped. This isn't good for me.
I have been drinking too much again.
I am having blood tests on Monday to find out why I am so tired all the time, why I feel sick when I eat and why I keep passing out. And no, I am not pregnant.
Glen and I reached a relationship agreement - we are both going to put the extra effort in to see if we can make this work. If we can't stop snapping at each other, and if we can't stop making each other sad, and if we can't bring ourselves to find the time and common ground to do things together then we are going to walk away. But first we will make the effort.
My new job starts soon, I am terrified and people keep telling me horror stories about how bad it is going to be. Despite the terror, tho, I am looking forward to it and hopefully I can enjoy the experience if not the atmosphere.
Just finished Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. Absolutely loved it, will have to buy some more of his too.
'It was an iron chair a man had been roasted alive in,' said Crosby. 'He was roasted for murdering his son.'
'Only, after they roasted him,' Hazel recalled blandly, 'they found out he hadn't murdered his son after all.' |
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| 08:43pm 17/06/2008 |
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I am missing someone.
I have a new story. |
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